Heather Flyte

Zombies man zombies

My mother is trying to understand my facination with zombies. Being a good daughter, I tried to explain… “I don’t have an affinity for zombie movies or anything, I just believe in being prepared.” See, I have enjoyed the zombie movie genre, but I don’t look out for the next jump, or scare, or undulating mass of gore.

I’m looking for tips.

I’ve informed my apartment building neighbors that when the zombies attack, the first thing we need to do is take out the stairs. (Correction, I’ve informed my all my second-floor apartment building neighbors.) I have a heavily armed neighbor, so we’re good on the ammunition front. I’ve got at least 10 cans of no-salt peas, so we’re good on the food front. I also have a rudimentary knowledge of first aid, being the daughter of a nurse and the recipient of a gnarly skin cancer operation, so we’re good on the medical front.

In fact, we’ve got all fronts covered.

Aim for the head, that’s the most important thing I’ve learned. Winging or legging isn’t enough. Zombies are tenatious, they’ll keep coming like an inch-worm after you’ve cut them down like the Black Knight. You need to blow their freaking skull away.

Second, don’t get bit. Everyone knows that being bit by a zombie is the most effective way to become a zombie. If a friend, loved one, authority figure or fellow second-floor apartment building neighbor is even scratched by one of the lurching undead, you’ve got to take them out.

Sorry Dad, but if you’ve got a zombie wound, I’m blowing your head off.

I’m sure he would understand.

Third, make sure you’re on high ground when the zombies attack. I can’t emphasize it enough. If you’re lucky enough to be innundated by slothful zombies, you may be able to out run them until you get to high ground, but, as the cinema has shown, there’s always the possibility of fast, tricky zombies and there’s no way anyone will be able to outrun a rage zombie with a single purpose and zero mind. The best way to get to high ground is to be there already.

I’ve got my money on Tibetan gurus trying to repopulate the Earth.

Anyway, remember,  head + no-bite + high. Learn those and you’ll live.

Further reading: The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead